


everything is different the second time around

by elegantidler



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, PI Riddler, Panic Attacks, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, all of Team Riddler is trans, bit of self-loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-04-26 17:39:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14407125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elegantidler/pseuds/elegantidler
Summary: Edward gets out of the hospital after a year in a coma with zero resources and very few memories of the man he was before and has to put together his new reformed life with help from a few people from his past.Set slightly before Dini's PI Riddler arc starts in DC #822





	1. out of chaos I must re-reap the burden of untasted breaths

There’s isn’t anyone waiting to pick him up when they discharge him from the hospital.

Fair enough. There hadn’t been anyone waiting next to his hospital bed, sick with worry while he was in a coma, either.

There’s not a lot of room for long-lasting relationships when you’re one of Gotham City’s most notorious masked villains. Or whatever he used to be.

The hospital staff deems him healthy enough for someone who just spent the better part of a year in a coma and says he can be discharged in a few days. The hospital shrink even says his "thing for riddles" is gone. He can be a positive member of society again. 

Edward is skeptical of this but he nodded along with the shrink anyway. 

So here he is, standing outside the hospital, alone, at a loss for what to do next.

All he has is the clothing he was wearing when he was admitted; a green suit that now hangs too loosely on his skinny frame, his bowler, and the address of a halfway house run by one of Bruce Wayne’s charitable organizations so he can “get back on his feet” or so the motto says.

Why Bruce Wayne and his charitable organization should give a damn about him, he doesn’t know but the card was left on the table in his hospital room without a note.

He has no money, no food, no idea who he is if he’s not the notorious Riddler, and no plan for the future.

So he walks.

He runs into Harley a few blocks away from the house.

Or rather, she runs into him.

Literally.

He hears someone _shriek_ his name behind him and before he even has time to turn around fully she is barreling into him hugging him so enthusiastically he nearly topples over.

“I heard you were finally out of the hospital, how are ya?” She asks, loudly and cheerfully, causing several people to look around to stare at them.

Before he can even open his mouth she’s speaking again.

“Whatcha doing now? Got any _big plans_?”

She puts a little too much emphasis on ‘big plans’. She means villainous plans. Stealing, cheating, etc.

“Unfortunately no. Haven’t you heard I’m completely and totally sane now? A man reborn, I think I’ll have to go legitimate.”

He tries to sound more nonchalant about the whole ‘lack of a future’ thing than he feels.

“Bummer.”

“Isn’t it though. Going straight without a dollar to my name. How do normal people survive in a city like this?”

“Come on, Eddie, if it’s money you need all ya gotta do is ask!” She rummages in the bag she’s holding and emerges triumphantly with a wad of cash and holds it out to him.

He eyes it warily.

“Harley…I can’t”

“Sure you can! Between you and me, it’s not mine anyway,” she drops her voice to a stage whisper, “it’s stolen and I already bought a bunch of new things with the rest of it. Red gave all her share to some plant charity thing. You can be my plant thing!”

He raises an eyebrow.

Her ‘plant thing’. Well, he’s been called worse and he’s not really in the position to turn down help.

“Thank you.” He pockets the money and Harley beams.

“Look it’s been great, Eddie but I gotta run, I was supposed to be meeting Red but we’re going to dinner with Kitty tomorrow and you should come! A sort of ‘welcome back to the world of the living’ thing, it’ll be fun.”

Edward has no idea who Red or Kitty is but he finds himself agreeing anyway, it’s not like he has other plans or anyone else to see, might as well take advantage of at least one friendly face.

“Great! I’ll see ya tomorrow than!” She hastily scribbles down the name and address of a restaurant on a scrap of paper and hands it to him before practically skipping away.

He pockets the paper and watches he go before turning back in the direction of the halfway house and trudging on as the sun begins to set.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Flash by Hazel Hall https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/flash  
> The continuity is a little bit fudged for the sake of the story, but hey, it's comics.  
> And yes, the money Harley gives him is some of the money that she, Selina, and Ivy stole from Hush.


	2. I think I'll come back to life now

Getting settled in the halfway house is easier than he thought it would be. It would appear that someone had already told them he would be coming and taken care of most of the red tape and Edward’s brain wasn’t quite clear enough to start unravelling that mystery just yet.

He has a small room to himself with a bed and a desk, sparsely but neatly decorated in simple calm shades of blue. He frowns at the colors but they remain resolutely _not green_.

The bed is small but comfortable enough and there is a small pile of basic toiletries on top of a pair of pajamas stacked neatly at the foot of it next to a piece of paper containing a typed list of house rules and regulations. The toiletries, he appreciates, the pajamas, he’s pretty sure are going to be much to large, and the rules, he ignores.

Changing into the pajamas he wonders absently if all rooms were this well stocked or if he had been upgraded to the “former super villain turned charity case” deluxe package.

Maybe Bruce Wayne himself had pulled some strings. 

Hah.

As he lays there in the dark, waiting for sleep his mind seizes the opportunity to turn in on itself as he thinks of the enormity of the future ahead of him and his heart is beating too fast and he feels like he can't breathe.

What is he doing? What is he playing at? He doesn't deserve to be here, getting this second chance. He doesn't even deserve to be alive. He's a villain. A murderer. A pathetic waste of space who will never amount to anything. He doesn't need his memories to know that's true. He's spent his nearly all of adult life as the Riddler, running around and scheming, causing chaos and terror. He doesn't know how to be anything else. He has nothing to his name, no future, no real friends, no family, no one. He is alone and no one missed him for the year he was in a coma and if he died tomorrow no one would even notice.  

Eyes squeezed tightly shut, he reaches up and presses hard on his sternum with his fingertips and tries to take several steadying breaths.

The action came so naturally to him he isn't even sure what he's doing at first but the third breath comes easier than the first and the pressure of his fingertips grounds his racing mind and heart.  

His last thoughts before sleep finally claims him are a series of disconnected scenes and faces that play rapidly and on repeat behind his eyes lids and that don’t make any sense but trigger a vague sense of recognition anyway.

He wakes to sunlight shining weakly through the window and Selina Kyle sitting on the desk, stretching her legs.

It’s too early in the morning and his brain is still too asleep to figure out if he should be on the defensive or not but he pulls the blanket up to his chin instinctively.

“Selina, dear, not that I don’t love this type of impromptu visit but—“

The corner of her mouth twitched in what could have been a smile or a grimace and he stops mid-sentence, wary.

“What?”

“You always used to call me ‘dear’.”

 She smiles fully this time, and her smile is warm and easy.

“It’s good to have you back, Eddie.”

He wasn’t expecting that.

He feels warmth rising in his chest.

He doesn’t remember a lot of his life before the coma, but this friendship feels familiar, feels natural and easy.

It’s a shared history, something stabilizing, and he feels himself grinning back at her and relaxing.

“I hear you’re coming to dinner with us tonight.”

Ah, so she must be ‘Kitty’ but who’s—

“I thought Ivy was going to strangle Harley when she told her you were coming.”

And she much be ‘Red’.

Maybe this dinner wasn’t such a good idea. Something about Pam is setting off an alarm bell at the back of his brain.

“So I figured I would swing by so you’re not blindsided by Ivy being Ivy tonight. Especially with your whole ‘brain on the fritz’ thing.”

He glared at her.

“My brain is perfectly fine, thank you.”

She grins wickedly, but not cruelly and he rolls his eyes with a touch of fondness.

“How did you even know where I was?”

“Oh come on, Eddie. You can’t just ask a girl her secrets; we’ve got to maintain our air of mystery somehow.”

“Fine, fine.” He throws up his hand in surrender.

“Thank you for the heads up about Pam but I do have to get dressed and do some things before tonight so..."

She’s halfway out the window before he can even finish his sentence.

She pauses and looks at him intently.

“In case no one’s told you this yet, I’m glad you’re okay and back among the living. See you tonight.”

And with that, she's gone before he can properly register just how touched he is by her words.

Maybe he isn't as alone in this city as he thought. 

Maybe he can do this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Fiddleheads by Maureen Seaton  
> http://www.versedaily.org/fiddleheads.shtml


	3. taking steps is easy, standing still is hard

He finds a clean towel and a map to the communal bathrooms on the back of the door and showers quickly then sets about making a plan for the rest of the day.

He has nearly a thousand dollars from Harley but has no idea how long he needs to make it last.

First and foremost, he needs something new to wear. And a haircut. And figure out what to do about getting testosterone. And he should probably get something to eat.

The first two were straightforward enough. The third would require some legwork. And the food was an afterthought.

Opening his door to leave, he finds himself face to face with a tall woman with long, reddish-blonde hair.

“Hello, Diedre, lovely to see you. Where’s Nina?”

The other woman pokes her head around the door frame and tosses him a muffin as they let themselves in.

“Hi, boss. You missed the breakfast spread they have downstairs.

“How did you even get in here? Did you just walk past the front desk?”

“We said we just _had_ to see our _poor, sick,_ cousin who’s staying here. Then Diedre turned on the water works and they waved us right through.”

“And you knew where I was, how exactly?”

“Please. We’ve basically got a sixth sense for knowing where you are and when you’re in trouble at this point. Like that time you managed to get locked in at the bank office while we were clearing out the vault.”

She laughs and reaches out to steal a bit of the muffin she had brought upstairs for him and Edward was already passing it over to her before Diedre slapped her hand away. Nina looks affronted. 

“Eat the damn muffin, Eddie. Nina’s just being dramatic. And apparently this fancy place also serves lunch and dinner downstairs which you should probably take advantage of since I assume you weren’t released back into the wild with a full bank account.”

Edward picks at the muffin.

“You would be correct. And while we’re on the subject, I need someplace to get testosterone again. Where are you both going these days?”

Diedre exchanges a pointed look with Nina.

“You don’t remember where you used to get it?” She ignores his question.

“I don’t really remember much of anything.”

“You remember us.”

“Well, who could forget you two?”

She raises an eyebrow.

“I remember some things. Some people, vaguely. But I don’t remember things or events clearly; I don’t remember that bank job.  And I don’t remember the distant past at all beyond it feeling just _bad_.”

“Mmm. Then yes, we’ve got a reliable doctor around. A bunch of us in our line of work go to her for hormone stuff especially. She does everything but that’s why we like her. Wanna go see her today?”

“I can’t now; I have some things to do before dinner plans tonight.”

“Hear that Diedre? Back among the living for less than a day and he’s already too cool for us. Who’s the lucky guy? Your hair looks ridiculous by the way. I hope you’re planning on fixing it before tonight.”

He rolls his eyes.

“It’s with Selina, Harley, and Pam.”

She wrinkles her nose.

“Boring, crazy, and freaky. Have _fun_.”

“Doctor tomorrow then? We’ll come by and steal breakfast from downstairs again and walk you over there.” Diedre asks, standing up, getting ready to leave again.

“I’ll see you then.”

“Bye, boss!” Nina calls over her shoulder as they depart.

“You’re going to have to come up with something else to call me now that I’ve gone straight!” He calls after her.

He hears them dissolve into giggles, probably at his use of ‘straight’ to describe himself, as they walk off arm in arm.

Now to business.

Putting on his bowler, he sets out into a very Gotham-esque gloomy day. The layout of the city and the locations of his favorite shops are fortunately one thing he hasn’t forgotten.

He buys some of the basics at a department store but opts to visit a few of the better thrift and vintage stores to replace his suit. After all, he has an extremely limited income and still no idea what he’s going to do after that.

He stares at his reflection as he gets a haircut, lost in thought.

Prior to becoming a masked menace to the bank vaults of Gotham, he had held exactly one job and it was the worst, most boring thing he had ever experienced. He may not have his “thing for riddles” anymore according to the shrink, but he’s still way too smart for a normal day job. He is going to be bored out of his mind without puzzles and fun.

Is this really what he’s going to do with his new life? Be bored? Be a nobody? Try and fool everyone into believing that he’s a good person now who deserves this second chance?

Or does he just say ‘screw it’ and try to be the Riddler again, even without the riddles, and even though being the Riddler is probably what put him in the coma in the first place.

Damned if you do, bored if you don’t. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Regina Spektor's You've Got Time


	4. grab whatever wonderful moments you find lying around

Edward opts for a plain pair of dark dress pants and a light green shirt for dinner.

For once in his life he doesn’t want attention. It’s hard to feel exhilarated by all eyes on you when you don’t even remember who you’re supposed to be.

He pockets the remainder of the money Harley gave him and sets out.

When he walks into the restaurant he sees he needn’t have dressed down. All of his dining companions are much more conspicuous than he would have been.

Selina is better dressed than everyone in here by a factor of three at least. Harley is her usual loud self. And Ivy, despite her visible effort to tone it down, is still drawing the eyes of almost every man, and several women, in the place.

Harley grins widely and waves cheerfully upon seeing him.

Selina rises, looking stunning, and he leans forward to meet her, kissing both cheeks lightly without thinking.

She beams.

“ _La bise._ You remembered.”

Harley laughs.

“You guys are so weird. Like an old timey movie or something.”

“To be honest, there seems to be a lot of things I have a sort of muscle memory for, if not the actual memory.”

Harley nods, falling back on her psychiatric degree.

“Stuff further from away from the conk on the head will probably be clearer and is more likely to come back eventually.”

“And dinner is on us, Eddie.” Selina cuts in.

“No one who’s only been walking around for a day should have to buy dinner.”

Ivy scowls at him and Selina stares at Ivy, challenging her.

“I don’t see why he’s even here.”

“Because Harley invited him and because I want him here, and because this is a partnership, not a dictatorship.”

“Not to be discourteous, but what exactly is this? Are you all a team now?” Edward asks as he gestures around the table at the odd group. He doesn’t remember these three ladies working together but…

“Not really.” Harley shrugs. “But we figure none of us have anything _against_ each other so why are we wasting time hating each other when we could be super cool bad girl bffs instead!”

Harley looks so excited, and this concept is so very Gotham that Edward has to laugh, and after that the evening gets easier.

As they eat their way through what is entirely too much food, Harley broaches the subject of the future again, and here, with the warmth of companionship, with friends and food, it’s hard for Edward to panic too much about it.

“So……did ya figure out what you’re doing now you’re legit?”

“Afraid not, I’m not sure what a genius ex-criminal with no professional experience is supposed to do.”

He grudgingly admits his brain is indeed a little on the fritz at the moment but that’s not reason to downplay his abilities.

Selina snorts at his cockiness.  

“You should be some sort of private investigator or detective. God knows there’s plenty of unsolvable crimes here and no one really trusts the police to solve anything. And say if a string of high-end, perfectly executed robberies came up you could be a bit lax on investigating.”

“Yeah! And I could be your damsel! Or at least lounge around dramatically and get into all sorts of trouble while looking great. What do you think, Red? Eddie as a gritty noir detective, running around Gotham solving crimes?”

Ivy raises an eyebrow, unimpressed.

“Thanks, Pam.”

 “You should see if Penguin will loan you the money to start now that he’s gone legit too.” Harley says around a mouthful of food.

Selina shoots her a sharp look across the table.

Edward really wishes people would stop doing that, or at least explain why they’re doing that. He may have lost a few steps but he’s not stupid. He knows when he’s missed something and when the people around him haven’t.

Harley shrugs. “Well he _should._ ”

Selina turns to him. “You should go see Oswald anyway, not just about a loan but because you just should.”

“Care to elaborate on that?”

“Not really.” She sips her drink nonchalantly.

“Selina, please.”

Something of his desperation must show in his face because she takes pity on him.

“It’s not my place to elaborate and I don’t know the specifics anyway, but you were close and you should go see him because you haven’t seen each other in a year. Just…go visit the Lounge tomorrow. He’s always there, even when it’s not open.”  

Edward doesn’t know how to feel about this. He can remember vague thoughts and feelings about a lot of people, so why is he drawing a complete blank on Oz?

Oz?

And overly familiar nickname?  

He shakes his head and tries to bring his focus back to the present where the conversation has shifted and moved on without him.

Well, he’ll figure it out tomorrow he supposes.

Good or bad.

But for now, he is content to sit among friends and to listen to them talk and laugh and argue. 

The world hadn't stopped when he did, but he thinks he's okay with that. 

No one had picked him up from the hospital but he has found people who are ready to pause and pull him back into the world with them as it races on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Lemony Snicket's 'Shouldn't You Be In School?'


	5. even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some reunions are heavier than others

The doctor Nina and Diedre take him to is at least partially employed by Oswald in some capacity, and as Edward leaves he thinks that this probably accounts for some of Diedre’s weirdness about the whole situation.

He’s definitely missing something.

And he doesn’t like missing things.  

For some reason seeing Oswald again feels _bigger_ than seeing anyone else he knew from his old life, and he doesn’t know why.

Everyone else was so simple.

It was impossible to not get along with Harley. Slipping back into his friendship with Selina had been as easy slipping on a glove. Diedre and Nina were still basically family. Pam is, well, Pam but he is pretty sure they hadn’t gotten along even before the coma. So why couldn’t he go in and talk to Oswald?

He barely even has any memories of him. Why does this matter so much?

Selina had said they were close and when tries to remember him, it’s unclear, but basically positive. He doesn’t get the cold chill he feels when he has flashes of memories of the Joker or Hush, or his childhood.

And come to think of it, if they were so close why hasn’t Oswald reached out to him yet? He’s seen just about everyone else by now. His return to the land of the living was something of an event apparently, and news travels way too fast in this city.  What does ‘close’ even mean? Close enough that people get weird when Oswald’s name comes up but not close enough for Oswald to come find him?

There’s nothing else for it. He pushes open the heavy door to the Iceberg Lounge and strides purposefully towards the table in the back that Oswald is occupying as he works. He barely glances up.

“Edward.”

“Er, hello, Oswald,” he shuffles awkwardly, losing some of his attempt at bravado.

“Right well…I just thought I’d come in and say hello. You know…two ex-cons living the respectable life…maybe talk business.” He tries to grin.

Oswald continues to look through his papers.

“If that’s all, I really am rather busy at the moment and we’re not open yet, so if you wouldn’t mind coming back later, you’ll have to excuse me.”

Oswald gets up, straightening some papers and turns to leave.

This isn’t right. Every molecule in Edward’s body is telling him that this is _wrong,_ and this is stronger than any memory he’s had in the past few days _._ This isn’t how this was supposed to go, and he’s sure of that.

“Look if I did something to you before, I’m sorry but I don’t remember it. Harley said I should talk to you and Selina said we were close and I thought we were friends before and I just thought that maybe we could at least be sort of friendly again.”

He sees Oswald shoulders tense and oh, this is _bad._

“You left! You left _me!_ ”

And Oswald looks so angry that Edward is momentarily afraid that he might break something.

“You left to do something stupid and reckless and the next thing I know you’re in a _coma_ and no one will tell me anything. I had to bribe a nurse to even let me in the room to see you. And then you come out of it and don’t remember anyone.”

Edward blinks, taken aback.

He doesn’t remember the events leading up to his year in a coma but something in the tone of Oswald’s rant in familiar.

It’s not quite angry. Disappointed?

Oswald is starting intently up at him, challenging him, and Edward is staring back, unsure.

And then it hits him. He was scared. Oswald was scared _for him._ Oswald cares, or at least, _cared_ about him enough to be concerned about his well-being.

Oh.

He hasn’t even considered this. It’s been hard enough for him to believe that there are people in this city who seem to genuinely want to be his friend and help him, not just use him or put up with him, but he never thought he was worthy of this amount of care, of this _type_ of care.

He thinks he’s been chasing attention and affection and _love_ his entire life, by winning, by stealing, by outsmarting, but he never thought he deserved it. But here is Oswald, standing in front of him, furious that he hadn’t been able to protect Edward, simply because Oswald cared about him, not because Edward had been clever, or useful, or the best. This is different than friendship. This is _more_ than friendship.

He doesn’t know how to process any of this.

How can something he can’t remember feel like everything he’s ever wanted?

“I’m sorry.”

It seems so pointless and small but it’s all he can say and Oswald moves faster than Edward would have expected and is hugging him tightly. And Edward is collapsing into it.

“I missed you, you idiot. And I couldn’t bear to have you look at me and not know who I was.”

He doesn’t remember what he and Oswald were to each other before. But this is familiar and grounding and _safe_ and he knows what Oswald is to him right now. He is _home._

“I do know who you are. I may not remember all the details, but I _know._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from The Garden of Proserpine, but Algernon Charles Swinburne (https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45288/the-garden-of-proserpine)


	6. a return to the strange idea of continuous living despite the mess of us

Being with Oswald makes everything easier.

Edward has a real place to live, and someone to help him fill in some of the gaps. There’s still a lot he doesn’t remember, but he remembers enough. And most importantly, he has someone to catch him when he falls, or wants to run, or feels like everything is collapsing in on him at once. 

Oswald is now an official investor in his nascent Private Investigator business, and Edward fully intends to pay him back even though Oswald seems very lax about it. 

He feels like he finally has a handle on where his life is going.

And he likes where it’s going.  

* * *

 

He can feel, rather than see, that Batman is keeping an eye on him though.

Just waiting for him to fail, more like.

He finally corners Edward as he’s walking back to the Lounge one evening after he was out scouting for office locations to rent.

He’s gruff and intimidating and tells Edward in no uncertain terms that Edward needs to keep his nose clean and that he’ll be watching his fledgling business closely for signs of wrongdoing.

There’s something familiar? No not familiar. But something. Some mystery? Or not a mystery?

There is definitely something about Batman that he is supposed to know and doesn’t.

But he can’t remember.

He makes a mental note to ask Oswald about it, but even if Oswald doesn’t know, for once not knowing doesn’t bother him. He figured it out before, whatever it is, and now it’s just another puzzle for him to solve, and this time he already knows he can solve it.

He does know that right now, Batman is being a jerk and seriously cramping his style.

How is he supposed to attract business with that overgrown Bat lurking around, putting everyone on edge?

Why does it matter that he’s drawing attention to himself and creating a spectacle with his advertising as long as cases get solved?

Sure, the Bat might prefer to do things quietly, but where’s the fun in that? This is his business, _his life_. He’s going to do it his way, not Batman’s.

He can do this. He _knows_ he can. If Batman would just trust him enough to let him off this leash for two minutes to prove that he isn’t falling back on his old ways.

He’s tired and annoyed at the dressing down and he just wants to go home.

When he finally makes it back to the penthouse Oswald waves him over to the couch and passes him a thin gray paperback as Edward sits down beside him.

“I got you something.”

Edward reads the cover: _Be Your Own Dick: Private Investigating Made Easy_ by John Q Newman, and bursts out laughing.

“I thought it might amuse you,” Oswald says, eyes bright, “word play and all. And who knows, it might even be a helpful resource.”

Edward leans forward, still laughing, and hugs Oswald.

“I love it, thank you. And…and I love you, too, even if I don’t remember everything, I remember enough and I _know_ I love you.”

They sit close together, talking about anything and everything and nothing, just enjoying each other’s company.

Maybe his life won’t be entirely worthless.

Maybe he can still have fun.

Maybe he can just _be,_ for once _._

Just Edward Nigma, not The Riddler, not a costumed villain, not a pathetic waste of space.

Just Edward Nigma, Private Investigator.

Yeah, he can get used to that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Instructions on Not Giving Up by Ada Limón (https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/instructions-not-giving)  
> Yes that is a real book (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2232034.Be_Your_Own_Dick) 
> 
> As an expansion of this universe, Riddlebird Week starts on Sunday I have five ficlets set before and after this story about Eddie and Oz's relationship to fill in some of the stuff that Eddie himself is missing :)


End file.
